FIC: Competing with a Ghost

[mysid]

Title: Competing with a Ghost
Author: mysid
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Ralph, Laurie, and Andrew belong to Mary Renault.
Author's Note: Written for the maryrenaultfics Halloween challenge: Ghosts don't always have the best timing. I thought in this case, any timing would be poor timing.

As he turned his key in the lock, Ralph could hear Laurie's gramophone faintly through the closed door. A classical piece, perhaps something by Mozart, though Ralph wasn't certain. He supposed his ear had been dulled by too many years of listening to the more popular contemporary tunes favoured by those around him.

He smiled, knowing it was one of many ways his life had been brightened by Laurie's presence. He was once again listening to music worth listening to rather than lowering his standards to the simple melodies and meaningless rhymes that passed for music on the radio and at parties.

"Hello," he called out as he hung his coat on the peg and removed his cap to place on the table just inside the front room. "Sorry I'm late, but the—"

He caught the tail end of seeing Laurie furtively wiping a hand across his eyes. Laurie turned slightly in the window seat as if looking out the window, but Ralph knew Laurie was trying to hide that he'd been crying by keeping his back to the door.

"No, it's fine. I haven't—I didn't realize how late—"

"Have you had anything to eat yet?" Ralph asked, heading into the small alcove that they generously called a kitchen. "Because I'm famished." He'd let Laurie compose himself before inflicting his presence upon him.

Seven weeks. Almost two months. He wouldn't remember so precisely if the letter hadn't arrived on the last day of the month. Seven weeks since Laurie had gotten the letter from Andrew's friend.

How does one compete with a dead man? Ralph thought as he lit the gas ring and set the kettle upon it. He'd known how to compete with Andrew when Andrew was alive. He'd simply offered Laurie all that he had, all that he was, and hoped that what he offered was more than that boy could.

But how does one compete with a ghost? The dead are idealized, perfect. They can never disappoint, never fail to measure up to what is asked of one. The boy had died a hero's death, killed in a building collapse while trying to save others, and would remain a heroic perfect ideal forever.

How could Ralph with his tarnished past, and no hope for heroics in his future, ever compete with that? All he could offer was tea and sandwiches, and rather poor ones at that with the current quality of the bread at the local bakery.

Is it even charitable to think of competing with Andrew's memory? Ralph wondered. He's dead, and Laurie loved him. The boy deserves to be mourned, and Laurie deserves time and space to mourn him. But he couldn't quite silence the little voice which whispered, But if you could get back to sea, and if you were killed in action, which one of you would Laurie miss more?

Ralph made certain to jostle the tray just enough to cause a slight rattle of crockery before he returned to the room. Laurie was by the gramophone, returning a record to its paper sleeve. He gave Ralph a slight smile before returning his attention to his task.

"What are we listening to next?" Ralph asked. "I rather liked that piece."

Laurie was already moving away from the gramophone toward the sofa. "You can choose something if you want to," he said, but something in his tone told Ralph that Laurie would prefer if he didn't. He placed the tray on the table in front of the sofa and settled himself at one end of the sofa. Laurie immediately shifted closer and nuzzled his nose against Ralph's throat.

"I'm glad you're home," he whispered into Ralph's skin.

"So am I, Spuddy."
.

Comments

[trueriver.livejournal.com]

Oh how lovely, and so sad! I read somewhere that MR had thought that Andrew would be killed, and this strikes true. Wonderful to have Ralph's POV, and greatly relieved that they ended up close and loving!

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I was actually surprised that more people didn't write Andrew dead for this particular prompt. It seemed right to me that he could be the "ghost" of the prompt.

[queen_ypolita]

It's lovely and feels so true.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

[kenazfiction.livejournal.com]

Agh! I get so angry at Laurie sometimes. When I first read the book, I was highly sympathetic the Laurie's plight, but after a second reading, discovered that my loyalties lay almost entirely with Ralph. This is *exactly* the story I would expect to see in some extended version of the book, true to Renault's tone and characters, but still frustrating to me because poor Ralph continues to have to compete for Laurie's affection... and you're right: competing with a ghost is no easy task.

Poor Ralph. Poor Laurie. Poor Andrew. Well done.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Well, I expect the situation looks more bleak to Ralph than it really is. Yes, Laurie loved Andrew, but he loves Ralph too. Yes, he is mourning Andrew, but the immediacy of that pain will pass.

I tried to convey (but I think I failed) that Laurie is having his "moments" of grief. It isn't constant, and it isn't all pervasive. It hasn't been seven weeks of non-stop tears. And I think we can allow Laurie to shed a few tears in private while listening to Mozart and pondering what "might have been."

[kenazfiction.livejournal.com]

Oh, *of course* Laurie should be able to mourn-- Andrew's loss would have been a crushing blow, and it's made all the worse by the fact that they never really had any closure... there were so many things left unsaid between them. So I genuinely feel for Laurie's pain, and see how he's trying very hard not to show it to Ralph for fear of hurting him.

At the same time, it *is* because I know this time around how fragile Ralph is that my heart goes out to him-- he *knows* Laurie is imagining what "might have been," and that has to be excruciating. And yet he continues to play his part as the strong one here, offering Laurie just the right amount of understated concern and devoted affection. God, I love that man.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

God, I love that man.

Don't we all. :)

[mysid.livejournal.com]

When I first read the book, I was highly sympathetic the Laurie's plight, but after a second reading, discovered that my loyalties lay almost entirely with Ralph.

I think many of us have that experience with the book. Perhaps it's because--like Laurie--we see Ralph as strong and invulnerable. We don't worry about him the first read through. "He'll be all right." It's only on a second reading, when we already know how fragile Ralph is, that we see the warning signs and empathize with him.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*sniffling*

It wasn't until the end that I suddenly realised WHICH piece of Mozart Laurie was listening to.

Wonderful.

*cries more*

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Aww...I made you cry. I'm so flattered.

And yes, the Mozart was a deliberate choice.

[lanyon.livejournal.com]

Very, very nicely written - and I'm glad it ended on a marginally positive note. ;) I was especially struck by Ralph's musings on who Laurie would miss more if he died. Great fic.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yes, Ralph couldn't help but wonder, so I just went along with him. Maybe one day he'll feel secure in his place in Laurie's heart--but not today.

[lanyon.livejournal.com]

i'd have to agree on that front. i mean, laurie is so very secure in ralph's heart (in my opinion, at any rate) but he must wonder if the feeling is truly reciprocated. i hope in time, he'll believe it.

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Oh, Ralph. *hugs him hard* That was a lovely ending, though. These two will be all right. ♥

This really makes me want to reread the book!

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Good thing I managed to squeeze that ending in just before my time was up!

Go; reread. It's one book that can be read over and over.

[elaineofshalott]

Oh Ralph! Why must he always be so insecure! (A criticism of him as a "person", not of your characterisation of him.) He devalues himself so, it breaks me up, really it does.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Well, Laurie did choose Andrew over him; Ralph isn't likely to forget that anytime soon. Give them several decades together, and maybe then he'll feel secure.

[elfscribe5.livejournal.com]

Enjoyed reading this mysid. Glad that Laurie was able to reassure Ralph at the end. I really liked this: "He'd simply offered Laurie all that he had, all that he was, and hoped that what he offered was more than that boy could."

[mysid.livejournal.com]

"...and hoped that what he offered was more than that boy could."

It was, Ralph! It was! Laurie was just too foolish to realize it until it was almost too late.

Thanks; I'm glad you liked it.

[lorie945.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so glad you did this! It's like eating the leftover candy the day after Halloween for me!

Really nice moody piece. I love it when we (for once!) know more than Ralph about something. And I love how generous he is about Laurie's mourning, even while he's silently tearing himself up about it. I can believe that Ralph might never trust that he's really the one Laurie wants to be with...

Great job. Thank you.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

"And then they decided to move to Vermont and..."

Thank you, your compliments mean a lot to me.

[eleish.livejournal.com]

They are like that. Were. Should have been.
Whatever.

The central point is: how beautiful!
I really missed your writes :)

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It is difficult to remember that they aren't real, isn't it? All hail Mary Renault!

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Wonderful. I am new to the Mary Renault fic community, and I only read The Charioteer for the first time about two months ago... so this whole Halloween challenge is like a huge platter of tasty treats for me.:) Mere weeks ago, I wasn't aware that Charioteer fanfic even existed... and now I get to read great stuff like this. Thank you so much for sharing.<3

[mysid.livejournal.com]

It's always nice to meet a new Charioteer fan, and it's quite gratifying to hear that you've enjoyed my fic as part of your whole enjoying the Charioteer experience.