FIC: Escape from Solitude
Apr. 28th, 2010 02:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mysidIn the Doctor Who episode “The Doctor Dances,” Jack, masquerading as an RAF captain, implies that he’s visited England during the blitz several times. Why couldn’t he have met Alec (from The Charioteer) on one of those visits? Jack’s good-looking; Alec’s good-looking; they both like good-looking men.
I wrote this ages ago, but put it aside to finish later. Now I realize, that except for the sex, it's finished enough--and I hate writing sex anyway. So, I hope you enjoy the bit I did write.
Title: Escape from Solitude
Author: mysid
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Jack is the creation of Russell T. Davies, and Alec is the creation of Mary Renault. I've just borrowed them temporarily.
Alec hesitated before walking into the White Pony. The tacky chrome and plastic leather of this particular pub really were an eyesore, making it a less than ideal place to unwind after a shift at the hospital, but it was a place where one was likely to run into someone one knew, and Alec didn't much care to drink alone. Sandy was still on shift—and Alec needed to unwind from him as much as he needed to unwind from work—and he preferred not to drop by Ralph's now that Laurie was living there.
Ralph wouldn't be caught dead in this place, Alec thought as he stepped up to the bar and caught glimpses of his own distorted reflection on far too many surfaces. Even as he thought it, he knew that Ralph had no need to come here; this is where one came when one was lonely, and Ralph wasn't lonely anymore.
It was odd time of day, so the crowd was light. Alec had immediately spotted George at the other end of the bar, but he was deeply engrossed in conversation with a man already. They looked almost ready to leave together. An older man quietly hunched over an empty glass, definitely not his first, created a no-man's-land of despair in the centre of the bar. From one of the tables, Alec heard a sudden burst of laughter. Turning his head just slightly, he was able to see three men, one of whom was in an RAF uniform but spoke with an American accent. The American glanced toward the bar just then, smiling, and saw Alec watching him. The American returned to telling his story—an amusing story if the laughter of the other two was an accurate indication—while still watching Alec. Alec looked away.
The American was easily the best looking man in the White Pony at this moment, and probably would be at any given moment. However, Alec didn't much care for Americans. The ones he'd met had been just too much. Too loud, too self-confident, too common. And this one didn't seem any different from that mould. And the accent. Something about the flatness of the vowels grated on the ear. Alec had never yet met an American who pronounced his name correctly—rather disturbing when heard at the wrong moment.
Alec finished his drink and was deciding whether to get a second or to go home when the American took the place beside him and gestured to the bartender. "Two of whatever my friend here is having," the American said.
Too self-confident by half, Alec thought, but he decided to accept the drink with good grace. The man was very good-looking after all.
"The name's Jack," the American said as he extended a hand.
"Alec."
"Why so glum, chum?" Jack asked brightly. Alec nearly winced at the inane rhyme and decided to finish his drink as quickly as possible and escape; he was definitely not interested. "Who better to tell your troubles to than a stranger," Jack continued.
"No troubles," Alec said and applied himself to his drink.
Jack gave a little salute with his own glass. "Sure, chum, and that's why you look as if your best friend just died."
Alec half-laughed in spite of himself and stared at Jack in amazement. The pure audacity to say something like that in the middle of a war. Something in the look Alec was giving him must have given Jack pause, for Alec saw the bright smile finally falter and a knitted brow appear.
"He didn't just—did he?"
Alec realized that Jack meant well. He was a boorish idiot, but he meant well. He decided to put the American's mind at ease.
“No, as a matter of fact, he’s happier than he’s ever been."
“Then why the long face?”
“Because he isn’t happy with me.”
"Ahhh." Jack nodded understandingly and turned on his barstool to face the bar rather than Alec. "That's hell, isn't it?"
Alec was already regretting his reckless confession. It wasn't way it sounded; he wasn't jealous. He and Ralph had already had their go, and it hadn't worked out. He was glad that Ralph was with Laurie now; he was glad Ralph was happy. He'd played bloody matchmaker, hadn't he?
"Some bird catch his eye?" Jack asked. Jack kept his gaze firmly forward, and Alec recognized it as an attempt at tact; Jack seemed to think that Alec could discuss this more easily if not being scrutinised. The effort wasn't necessary, but the thought behind it was appreciated.
"No, not quite," Alec said, and, at Jack's inquiring glance, nodded.
"Ouch," Jack said. "Makes rejection a little more personal, doesn't it?"
"It wasn't like that," Alec found himself explaining. "We were already over. I'm not jealous of him." He found it important to make that point clear, even if this were merely a stranger he was speaking with.
"But maybe you're jealous of them?" Jack asked with a sidelong glance. "Of what they have?"
Although Alec had never thought of it in those terms, he realized that this stranger, this outsider to their lives, may have guessed right. He found unsettling their obvious happiness with each other, their easy trust in one another and in what they had together, and he found it unsettling because he and Sandy didn't have it.
And if the truth be told, he and Ralph had never had it either. He'd never felt relaxed with Ralph; he'd always been aware that Ralph wanted more from him than he could give. Even as they'd settled into a life together, he'd known that it wouldn't last. The happier Ralph had seemed to become, the more Alec had pulled away for fear of hurting Ralph when the end did come.
"I couldn't be who he wanted me to be," Alec heard himself saying. "I didn't want to be that person—I still don't—so why do I resent that he did find that person?"
"Maybe because you told yourself that person didn't exist. You told yourself that you and your friend didn't work out because no one could be who he needed. It made the break-up solely his fault. That it's working out with this new man proves you wrong." Jack flashed him a smile. "Sorry."
Alec smiled back half-heartedly. He'd never said that the break-up was Ralph's fault; he'd always said that he and Ralph hadn't worked out because they weren't right for each other. But perhaps Jack was right as well; perhaps he had imagined that no one was right for Ralph.
"I went through something similar," Jack said as he gestured to the barman for a refill, "only it was a job, not a romance. I couldn't live up to what they expected of me, and I took a lot of comfort in telling myself that no one could."
"And now we're counting on you to help save us from the Jerries," Alec said as he took a good look at Jack's uniform—and how he looked in it. "Comforting."
Jack laughed. "Nope, no one has to count on me for anything. Not anymore. I'm in supplies and requisitions now. I find people what they want or need.
"And what you need is to find someone new," Jack said with a bright smile and a "Here I am!" gesture of open arms.
"I already have," Alec said, suppressing a smile. "His name's Sandy."
"Ah. So, no hope for me?" Jack asked with a lift of an eyebrow.
"I didn't say that," Alec admitted. He couldn't suppress his smile any longer.
I wrote this ages ago, but put it aside to finish later. Now I realize, that except for the sex, it's finished enough--and I hate writing sex anyway. So, I hope you enjoy the bit I did write.
Title: Escape from Solitude
Author: mysid
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Jack is the creation of Russell T. Davies, and Alec is the creation of Mary Renault. I've just borrowed them temporarily.
Alec hesitated before walking into the White Pony. The tacky chrome and plastic leather of this particular pub really were an eyesore, making it a less than ideal place to unwind after a shift at the hospital, but it was a place where one was likely to run into someone one knew, and Alec didn't much care to drink alone. Sandy was still on shift—and Alec needed to unwind from him as much as he needed to unwind from work—and he preferred not to drop by Ralph's now that Laurie was living there.
Ralph wouldn't be caught dead in this place, Alec thought as he stepped up to the bar and caught glimpses of his own distorted reflection on far too many surfaces. Even as he thought it, he knew that Ralph had no need to come here; this is where one came when one was lonely, and Ralph wasn't lonely anymore.
It was odd time of day, so the crowd was light. Alec had immediately spotted George at the other end of the bar, but he was deeply engrossed in conversation with a man already. They looked almost ready to leave together. An older man quietly hunched over an empty glass, definitely not his first, created a no-man's-land of despair in the centre of the bar. From one of the tables, Alec heard a sudden burst of laughter. Turning his head just slightly, he was able to see three men, one of whom was in an RAF uniform but spoke with an American accent. The American glanced toward the bar just then, smiling, and saw Alec watching him. The American returned to telling his story—an amusing story if the laughter of the other two was an accurate indication—while still watching Alec. Alec looked away.
The American was easily the best looking man in the White Pony at this moment, and probably would be at any given moment. However, Alec didn't much care for Americans. The ones he'd met had been just too much. Too loud, too self-confident, too common. And this one didn't seem any different from that mould. And the accent. Something about the flatness of the vowels grated on the ear. Alec had never yet met an American who pronounced his name correctly—rather disturbing when heard at the wrong moment.
Alec finished his drink and was deciding whether to get a second or to go home when the American took the place beside him and gestured to the bartender. "Two of whatever my friend here is having," the American said.
Too self-confident by half, Alec thought, but he decided to accept the drink with good grace. The man was very good-looking after all.
"The name's Jack," the American said as he extended a hand.
"Alec."
"Why so glum, chum?" Jack asked brightly. Alec nearly winced at the inane rhyme and decided to finish his drink as quickly as possible and escape; he was definitely not interested. "Who better to tell your troubles to than a stranger," Jack continued.
"No troubles," Alec said and applied himself to his drink.
Jack gave a little salute with his own glass. "Sure, chum, and that's why you look as if your best friend just died."
Alec half-laughed in spite of himself and stared at Jack in amazement. The pure audacity to say something like that in the middle of a war. Something in the look Alec was giving him must have given Jack pause, for Alec saw the bright smile finally falter and a knitted brow appear.
"He didn't just—did he?"
Alec realized that Jack meant well. He was a boorish idiot, but he meant well. He decided to put the American's mind at ease.
“No, as a matter of fact, he’s happier than he’s ever been."
“Then why the long face?”
“Because he isn’t happy with me.”
"Ahhh." Jack nodded understandingly and turned on his barstool to face the bar rather than Alec. "That's hell, isn't it?"
Alec was already regretting his reckless confession. It wasn't way it sounded; he wasn't jealous. He and Ralph had already had their go, and it hadn't worked out. He was glad that Ralph was with Laurie now; he was glad Ralph was happy. He'd played bloody matchmaker, hadn't he?
"Some bird catch his eye?" Jack asked. Jack kept his gaze firmly forward, and Alec recognized it as an attempt at tact; Jack seemed to think that Alec could discuss this more easily if not being scrutinised. The effort wasn't necessary, but the thought behind it was appreciated.
"No, not quite," Alec said, and, at Jack's inquiring glance, nodded.
"Ouch," Jack said. "Makes rejection a little more personal, doesn't it?"
"It wasn't like that," Alec found himself explaining. "We were already over. I'm not jealous of him." He found it important to make that point clear, even if this were merely a stranger he was speaking with.
"But maybe you're jealous of them?" Jack asked with a sidelong glance. "Of what they have?"
Although Alec had never thought of it in those terms, he realized that this stranger, this outsider to their lives, may have guessed right. He found unsettling their obvious happiness with each other, their easy trust in one another and in what they had together, and he found it unsettling because he and Sandy didn't have it.
And if the truth be told, he and Ralph had never had it either. He'd never felt relaxed with Ralph; he'd always been aware that Ralph wanted more from him than he could give. Even as they'd settled into a life together, he'd known that it wouldn't last. The happier Ralph had seemed to become, the more Alec had pulled away for fear of hurting Ralph when the end did come.
"I couldn't be who he wanted me to be," Alec heard himself saying. "I didn't want to be that person—I still don't—so why do I resent that he did find that person?"
"Maybe because you told yourself that person didn't exist. You told yourself that you and your friend didn't work out because no one could be who he needed. It made the break-up solely his fault. That it's working out with this new man proves you wrong." Jack flashed him a smile. "Sorry."
Alec smiled back half-heartedly. He'd never said that the break-up was Ralph's fault; he'd always said that he and Ralph hadn't worked out because they weren't right for each other. But perhaps Jack was right as well; perhaps he had imagined that no one was right for Ralph.
"I went through something similar," Jack said as he gestured to the barman for a refill, "only it was a job, not a romance. I couldn't live up to what they expected of me, and I took a lot of comfort in telling myself that no one could."
"And now we're counting on you to help save us from the Jerries," Alec said as he took a good look at Jack's uniform—and how he looked in it. "Comforting."
Jack laughed. "Nope, no one has to count on me for anything. Not anymore. I'm in supplies and requisitions now. I find people what they want or need.
"And what you need is to find someone new," Jack said with a bright smile and a "Here I am!" gesture of open arms.
"I already have," Alec said, suppressing a smile. "His name's Sandy."
"Ah. So, no hope for me?" Jack asked with a lift of an eyebrow.
"I didn't say that," Alec admitted. He couldn't suppress his smile any longer.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 07:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 08:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 08:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 08:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 09:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 09:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 10:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 10:17 pm (UTC)I think that one sentence--“Because he isn’t happy with me.”--probably popped out without Alec consciously thinking it first. Sometimes a stranger--a time traveling 51st Century stranger--can be a good sounding board for figuring yourself out.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-28 10:41 pm (UTC)One of these days I should read TC, shouldn't I?
Renee
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-29 01:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-30 04:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-30 04:17 pm (UTC)And once you have finished, the whole world of TC fanfic will be open to you, and AMAZING stuff it includes. Let me recommend that you get your toes wet with two fics that each look at the "wedding night" as we like to call the chapter you've just read:
(no subject)
Date: 2010-05-02 07:36 pm (UTC)Bravo for doing a story about Alec. He was a highly sympathetic and respectable side character, and I sure didn't envy his being stuck with that awful, high-maintenance Sandy.
It was my feeling that Mary Renault, although she had of course invested a little of herself in each character, wrote herself into the story in the form of Alec.
I can't stop thinking about the Charioteer. So much unsaid, unfinished, unexplained. So beautiful and poignant. So intense. I don't mind telling you I stayed up until the wee hours because I have experience with the the general absence of happy endings in Mary Renault's books, and for sure I thought she was going to have Laurie go after Nurse Adrien in a sudden fit of despair, or have Ralph killed off, or Andrew or both! I just couldn't go to sleep not knowing.
Laurie made the best choice. He feels sad and disappointed about his chosen relationship with Ralph not being of the uplifting, spiritual quality of what he felt with Andrew, but at 23, he has no idea how much worse relationships can be; in fact how much lower his standards would have to go if he put off the choice a few more years. He's seen the bitter and broken gay society that swirls around Sandy and Alec, and he thinks that that is as low as he can get, although he can't quite imagine something like that happening to him. But, although crippled, he's still young, still attractive and desirable, and only 23. Twenty-three feels old in some ways (I remember feeling over the hill myself at 23!), but one has no idea how young one is at that age until much, much later.
I felt he needed to be with Ralph, right up until the very last page, but I couldn't trust Ms. Renault to deliver. Thank God she did. Although Laurie had reservations about whether he would be able to love Ralph enough, and was entering this relationship in a state of mourning that hadn't been present before, it was enough of a happy ending for me. I was mostly happy for Ralph. I have so much respect for both of them, but I am in awe of Ralph's strength and accomplishments, especially after so much loneliness and so many setbacks.
Now, onto your story. I don't feel you left it hanging at all. At the close of the story, I felt absolutely certain that Alec slept with Jack. After all, I'm pretty sure Sandy's suicidal neurosis about losing Alec has got to be based on something. Anyway, Alec always has to shore up Sandy's weakness and be strong for him, so it must be nice to occasionally run into someone attractive and confident who doesn't need reassurance for a change. I hope they go to Jack's room and that Alec resists the urge to take Jack back to the apartment he shares with Sandy to show him off to the awful crowd they hang out with, or Sandy will take a nose dive off the roof.
I like the way Alex is having residual feelings of jealousy about Ralph, but is resolutely honest with himself. You kept him perfectly in character.
Now I've got to go and find more Charioteer fic! I've read one of your two recs-- The Beloved, which was wonderful, and now I'm going to read Watch One Hour With Me. Unless my husband wakes up and wants lunch! He disturbed me at a pivotal moment of the last one, but I think that is the special job of family members-- disturbing each other at pivotal moments in life and reading.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-05-03 04:55 pm (UTC)I had no patience for Sandy either, but others over at
Laurie made the best choice.
You are aware that he chose Andrew, aren't you? Are you saying that he was right to chose Andrew, or that he was right to turn to Ralph when Andrew cut him out of his life?
I felt he needed to be with Ralph...
He did. He really did, whether he knows it or not.
...but I couldn't trust Ms. Renault to deliver.
And she almost didn't. If Laurie had gotten there just a bit later, or if Ralph hadn't had to get stamps from his landlady, what a different outcome the story would have had. (Like this AU. (http://community.livejournal.com/maryrenaultfics/22336.html))
And now the questions I love to ask a first-time reader:
Who did you think Laurie would choose? You've already said that you wanted him to choose Ralph.
Did you believe that it was Ralph who was punched by Andrew?
Were you surprised that Ralph was suicidal, or did you pick up on the subtle clues earlier in the story? (I didn't pick up on them until my third reading.)
Here's a master list of Charioteer fanfic (http://community.livejournal.com/maryrenaultfics/300241.html#cutid1) at
If you have time for a long one, let me recommend Long Ago and Far Away (http://lauramason.slashcity.net/wrightsville.html) by Laura Mason. It's 10 chapter fic about Laurie and Ralph settling into their post-war life together. And while the two of them are dealing with all the inherent problems and tensions that building a life together entails, they also get thrown for a loop by Ralph being a suspect in a series of murders. He's got an alibi--he was in bed with Laurie--but he can't use it--homosexual sex is illegal. The fic is a crossover with the Ellery Queen mystery novels, but you don't need to have read any Ellery Queen to enjoy this story.