A parody in one act
May. 23rd, 2006 04:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mysidTitle: The Mary Sue Solution
Author: mysid
Rating: PG
Author's Note: I was thinking about the strong correlation between being a transfer student and being a Mary Sue, and it occurred to me that I just might have the solution to poor Remus's sad and lonely life—transfer him to another school. However, my mind didn't quite write that story, it wrote this.
Disclaimer: All non-Mary Sue characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Mary Sues belong to whomever wants to claim them.
The Mary Sue Solution
a parody in one act
It was an hour after curfew when Sirius finally returned to the Gryffindor common room. Remus briefly thought that he should deduct house points from his boyfriend for so flagrantly breaking the rules, but as he looked at Sirius's glossy black hair and broad shoulders, he knew he could never enforce the rules against his beautiful boyfriend.
"I need to talk to you," Remus said as he pulled Sirius by the hand to one of the comfortable sofas by the fire. It was available, of course, as all the other students with the exception of the Marauders and Lily tended to go to bed at an abnormally early hour.
"I swear, Moony," Sirius said hurriedly. "Gary Stuart and I were just talking. I was telling him again how grateful I was that he saved Snape when I—you know—told him about the knot on the tree."
"It's not—" Remus began to say, but Sirius interrupted him.
"I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't seen him coming back from Quidditch practice with the Hufflepuff team. I was looking for James, but I couldn't find him."
"We were on top of the astronomy tower," James said as he came up for air from snogging Lily on a nearby sofa.
"James!" she said with a giggle. They quickly returned to their almost hungry kisses.
"And just think," Peter said from his place on the third sofa surrounding the fireplace as he watched James and Lily, "Lily wouldn't even give him the time of day before Marie Suzette told Lily that she'd had a vision of the two of them getting married."
"That's what I want to talk to you about," Remus quickly said to Sirius. "Marie Suzette. You know, that Ravenclaw who's a transfer student from Beaux Batons. She has long, flowing, ebony curls."
"I know who she is," Sirius said as his forehead wrinkled in confusion. "She spends almost more time in our common room than Ravenclaw's; she is best friends with Lily and all, and all the Gryffindors like having her around. But her hair is golden, like honey."
"Auburn," James said as he came up for air again.
"She told me once that everyone sees her hair and eyes as whatever colours they like best," Lily explained. "It has to do with her being one-eighth Veela."
"You want to date Marie Suzette?" Sirius asked Remus.
"Of course not, you silly mutt," Remus said with a smile. "I'm gay, remember? Why does everyone forget? But I was asking her what it was like being a transfer student."
"Oh, I hope she's not homesick," Peter said. "She's so nice, and when she's around—I don't know—I just feel braver or something. I feel like I could stand up to any bully who tried to push me around."
"That's nice, Peter," Sirius said vaguely, but his attention was on Remus.
"She told me that she's much happier here than she was at Beaux Batons; she never really fit in there," Remus explained. "She said that the girls there were jealous of all the attention she got from the boys."
"That's just silly," Lily managed to say by pushing James away slightly. "She gets attention here, but none of us are jealous. She's just too nice a person for anyone to dislike."
"And she said that people were afraid of her because of her visions," Remus continued.
"But her visions are so helpful," James said. He was obviously still grateful that Lily had agreed to date him at Marie Suzette's urging. He'd admitted to his friends that he was a bit unnerved by the whole "marriage" thing, but he figured by the time it happened, he'd be ready for that sort of commitment.
Lily nodded, and then in a whisper to maintain secrecy she said, "Just the other day, she had a vision about a horcrux created by Voldemort. She told Dumbledore, and he took her with him when he went to destroy it. With Marie Suzette on our side, this war might be over before you know it."
Remus nodded. "She said to me that the same abilities which made her an outcast at her old school have proven to be assets here."
"That's a lot like what Gary said," Sirius said. "At his old school, in California, he was the school freak because he was openly bisexual, but here, where almost the entire school is gay or bisexual, he fits right in."
"He does better than just fit it," Lily pointed out. "He's practically worshipped. Those sapphire-blue eyes and wavy blond hair with the surfer-boy tan..."
"Hey!" James yelped indignantly.
"And that gorgeous, athletic body," Remus agreed.
"Hey!" Sirius yelped.
"And the way he plays Quidditch," Peter put in. "He's a better Seeker than you are, James."
"I'm a Chaser," James said with an annoyed frown. "Why does everyone forget?"
"The point is," Remus paused a for a moment as he gathered Sirius's hands into his own, "it's made me rethink my attending school here."
"What do you mean?" Sirius asked as a worried crease marred his forehead.
"Here I'm the school freak," Remus explained, "the werewolf. And things are only likely to get worse when I finish school. Snape won't have any reason to keep what I am a secret anymore—"
"I'm so sorry, Moony," Sirius apologized automatically, but Remus shook his head with a slight smile.
"And even if he does keep it a secret, the Ministry of Magic is passing new laws against werewolves every day. It'll be hard for me to get a job."
"What are you going to do, Remus?" Peter asked.
"I talked to Dumbledore about it, and he suggested that I transfer to a school he knows of in Romania."
"Romania!" Sirius started in surprise. "But—"
"I could transfer over the summer and spend my seventh year there."
"But why?"
"I want to turn being a werewolf into an asset instead of a liability. The forests around that school are full of werewolves. Dumbledore says that werewolves used to be well integrated into the magical community there, but things broke down during the war against Grindelwald. Things are becoming hostile between the two sides, and Dumbledore is afraid that Voldemort could take advantage of that. If I went there, a werewolf and a student, I could be the bridge between the two groups. Maybe I'll even become a teacher there after I finish school."
Sirius nodded and looked down at their clasped hands. "You always wanted to be a teacher."
"The only bad part will be leaving you," Remus said softly. "I think it might be easier if we broke up. Long distance romances are so hard. But if you—"
"No," Sirius said hurriedly, "you're right; it would be better that way."
Remus leaned in and gave Sirius one last kiss on the cheek before rising from the sofa and climbing up the stairs to the boys' dormitories.
"Sirius, are you all right?" James asked as he came over and sat beside his best friend.
"Yeah," Sirius admitted as he looked up the stairs where Remus had gone. "The truth is, I sort of kissed Gary Stuart tonight."
"You what?" James and Lily demanded simultaneously.
"I didn't plan it or anything," Sirius said defensively. "We were talking and it sort of happened. There's just something about him that makes me forget all about Remus while I'm with him. But then Gary said, 'We shouldn't be doing this,' and I remembered, and I didn't want to hurt Remus, again, so I said, 'Yeah,' and came back here."
"I knew there was something between you and Gary," Peter said with a chuckle. "The other day in Transfiguration, there were definite sparks between you."
"Your essay was only slightly singed," Sirius pointed out. "I put it out with a freezing charm, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but if there are actual sparks when your hands just casually touch, I'd hate to be in the same room when you shag."
"You won't be."
—Written April 2006
PS--If anyone would like to write the second act in which Remus is a Mary Sue at his new school, have at it. I have only two conditions: make it a parody, and send me a link.
.
Author: mysid
Rating: PG
Author's Note: I was thinking about the strong correlation between being a transfer student and being a Mary Sue, and it occurred to me that I just might have the solution to poor Remus's sad and lonely life—transfer him to another school. However, my mind didn't quite write that story, it wrote this.
Disclaimer: All non-Mary Sue characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Mary Sues belong to whomever wants to claim them.
a parody in one act
It was an hour after curfew when Sirius finally returned to the Gryffindor common room. Remus briefly thought that he should deduct house points from his boyfriend for so flagrantly breaking the rules, but as he looked at Sirius's glossy black hair and broad shoulders, he knew he could never enforce the rules against his beautiful boyfriend.
"I need to talk to you," Remus said as he pulled Sirius by the hand to one of the comfortable sofas by the fire. It was available, of course, as all the other students with the exception of the Marauders and Lily tended to go to bed at an abnormally early hour.
"I swear, Moony," Sirius said hurriedly. "Gary Stuart and I were just talking. I was telling him again how grateful I was that he saved Snape when I—you know—told him about the knot on the tree."
"It's not—" Remus began to say, but Sirius interrupted him.
"I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't seen him coming back from Quidditch practice with the Hufflepuff team. I was looking for James, but I couldn't find him."
"We were on top of the astronomy tower," James said as he came up for air from snogging Lily on a nearby sofa.
"James!" she said with a giggle. They quickly returned to their almost hungry kisses.
"And just think," Peter said from his place on the third sofa surrounding the fireplace as he watched James and Lily, "Lily wouldn't even give him the time of day before Marie Suzette told Lily that she'd had a vision of the two of them getting married."
"That's what I want to talk to you about," Remus quickly said to Sirius. "Marie Suzette. You know, that Ravenclaw who's a transfer student from Beaux Batons. She has long, flowing, ebony curls."
"I know who she is," Sirius said as his forehead wrinkled in confusion. "She spends almost more time in our common room than Ravenclaw's; she is best friends with Lily and all, and all the Gryffindors like having her around. But her hair is golden, like honey."
"Auburn," James said as he came up for air again.
"She told me once that everyone sees her hair and eyes as whatever colours they like best," Lily explained. "It has to do with her being one-eighth Veela."
"You want to date Marie Suzette?" Sirius asked Remus.
"Of course not, you silly mutt," Remus said with a smile. "I'm gay, remember? Why does everyone forget? But I was asking her what it was like being a transfer student."
"Oh, I hope she's not homesick," Peter said. "She's so nice, and when she's around—I don't know—I just feel braver or something. I feel like I could stand up to any bully who tried to push me around."
"That's nice, Peter," Sirius said vaguely, but his attention was on Remus.
"She told me that she's much happier here than she was at Beaux Batons; she never really fit in there," Remus explained. "She said that the girls there were jealous of all the attention she got from the boys."
"That's just silly," Lily managed to say by pushing James away slightly. "She gets attention here, but none of us are jealous. She's just too nice a person for anyone to dislike."
"And she said that people were afraid of her because of her visions," Remus continued.
"But her visions are so helpful," James said. He was obviously still grateful that Lily had agreed to date him at Marie Suzette's urging. He'd admitted to his friends that he was a bit unnerved by the whole "marriage" thing, but he figured by the time it happened, he'd be ready for that sort of commitment.
Lily nodded, and then in a whisper to maintain secrecy she said, "Just the other day, she had a vision about a horcrux created by Voldemort. She told Dumbledore, and he took her with him when he went to destroy it. With Marie Suzette on our side, this war might be over before you know it."
Remus nodded. "She said to me that the same abilities which made her an outcast at her old school have proven to be assets here."
"That's a lot like what Gary said," Sirius said. "At his old school, in California, he was the school freak because he was openly bisexual, but here, where almost the entire school is gay or bisexual, he fits right in."
"He does better than just fit it," Lily pointed out. "He's practically worshipped. Those sapphire-blue eyes and wavy blond hair with the surfer-boy tan..."
"Hey!" James yelped indignantly.
"And that gorgeous, athletic body," Remus agreed.
"Hey!" Sirius yelped.
"And the way he plays Quidditch," Peter put in. "He's a better Seeker than you are, James."
"I'm a Chaser," James said with an annoyed frown. "Why does everyone forget?"
"The point is," Remus paused a for a moment as he gathered Sirius's hands into his own, "it's made me rethink my attending school here."
"What do you mean?" Sirius asked as a worried crease marred his forehead.
"Here I'm the school freak," Remus explained, "the werewolf. And things are only likely to get worse when I finish school. Snape won't have any reason to keep what I am a secret anymore—"
"I'm so sorry, Moony," Sirius apologized automatically, but Remus shook his head with a slight smile.
"And even if he does keep it a secret, the Ministry of Magic is passing new laws against werewolves every day. It'll be hard for me to get a job."
"What are you going to do, Remus?" Peter asked.
"I talked to Dumbledore about it, and he suggested that I transfer to a school he knows of in Romania."
"Romania!" Sirius started in surprise. "But—"
"I could transfer over the summer and spend my seventh year there."
"But why?"
"I want to turn being a werewolf into an asset instead of a liability. The forests around that school are full of werewolves. Dumbledore says that werewolves used to be well integrated into the magical community there, but things broke down during the war against Grindelwald. Things are becoming hostile between the two sides, and Dumbledore is afraid that Voldemort could take advantage of that. If I went there, a werewolf and a student, I could be the bridge between the two groups. Maybe I'll even become a teacher there after I finish school."
Sirius nodded and looked down at their clasped hands. "You always wanted to be a teacher."
"The only bad part will be leaving you," Remus said softly. "I think it might be easier if we broke up. Long distance romances are so hard. But if you—"
"No," Sirius said hurriedly, "you're right; it would be better that way."
Remus leaned in and gave Sirius one last kiss on the cheek before rising from the sofa and climbing up the stairs to the boys' dormitories.
"Sirius, are you all right?" James asked as he came over and sat beside his best friend.
"Yeah," Sirius admitted as he looked up the stairs where Remus had gone. "The truth is, I sort of kissed Gary Stuart tonight."
"You what?" James and Lily demanded simultaneously.
"I didn't plan it or anything," Sirius said defensively. "We were talking and it sort of happened. There's just something about him that makes me forget all about Remus while I'm with him. But then Gary said, 'We shouldn't be doing this,' and I remembered, and I didn't want to hurt Remus, again, so I said, 'Yeah,' and came back here."
"I knew there was something between you and Gary," Peter said with a chuckle. "The other day in Transfiguration, there were definite sparks between you."
"Your essay was only slightly singed," Sirius pointed out. "I put it out with a freezing charm, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but if there are actual sparks when your hands just casually touch, I'd hate to be in the same room when you shag."
"You won't be."
—Written April 2006
PS--If anyone would like to write the second act in which Remus is a Mary Sue at his new school, have at it. I have only two conditions: make it a parody, and send me a link.
.
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Date: 2006-05-23 05:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-23 06:00 pm (UTC)